Recognizing that you’ve carried toxic patterns from childhood into your adult life is a gut punch. It’s freeing but man it’s heavy. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And then the big question hits you: Now what?
I’ve been there. Maybe you’re there right now. So I want to share what I’ve learned: You don’t have to fix everything overnight. You can’t. Healing from emotional abuse isn’t about grand gestures rather it’s about small, consistent steps that add up to freedom over time.
Here are some of the first steps that helped me start breaking the cycle:
1.) Name It When You See It
Start calling out the patterns when they show up. Maybe you catch yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. Maybe you’re stuck trying to “keep the peace” with someone who crosses your boundaries over and over.
When you feel that old, familiar tug “I should just let this go. It’s not that bad. I don’t want to upset them…” pause and name it: This is a pattern. This is my old story trying to run my life.
Naming it doesn’t fix it. But it interrupts it — and that’s huge.
2.) Start Small with Boundaries
Setting boundaries feels impossible when you’ve been taught that your feelings don’t matter. So don’t expect to slam the door shut on every toxic person overnight.
Instead, pick one tiny place to practice:
• Say “No” when you mean “No.”
• Take longer to reply to a text that makes you feel obligated.
• Leave a room when someone starts crossing a line.
These small moments build self-trust. You prove to yourself: I can stand up for me.
3.) Talk to Yourself Like You’d Talk to a Child
Your inner critic was born in your childhood. For years, you heard you weren’t enough and so now you might tell yourself the same things.
Try this: When your mind spins out say to yourself “I’m so stupid. I’m so dramatic. I ruin everything.” Now pause. Imagine your younger self, or even your own kid, saying those words. What would you say back?
You’d probably be gentle. You’d comfort them. You’d tell them they’re loved. Try giving that same softness to yourself.
4.) Find Safe People
Not everyone deserves access to your healing. But the right people make all the difference. This might be a friend, a partner, a therapist, or even an online community.
You need people who get it. Who don’t tell you to “just get over it.” Who remind you that your feelings are real and your boundaries matter.
Healing happens in connection. A safe connection.
5.) Celebrate the Small Wins
This work is slow. Some days you’ll feel like you’re back at square one. You’re not.
Every time you say “No,” every time you notice a pattern, every time you stand up for your inner child you’re breaking the cycle.
So celebrate it. Be proud of it. You’re doing what they told you was impossible: You’re changing.
Closing Thoughts
Nothing changes if nothing changes. (If you’re like me, you might even have those words tattooed somewhere as a reminder.)
You’re not broken you’re breaking free. One small, brave step at a time.
Stay with me. Next time, we’re digging deeper into that voice in your head, the “inner critic,” and how to finally stop believing its lies.